Candy Canes and Rollercosters

Happy Holidays! Whatever you celebrate, whether it be: Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Festivus and/or everything else in between, Have a good one!

Christmas is in the air and is being ventilated and breathed in by all the children at the school I volunteer at. I help out this one teacher with her classes and such. I really enjoy it. It must be because a HUGE number of my family members are/were teachers and I definitely have it in my blood. Not entirely sure it’s what I want to do with my life but I can do it if I wanted to.

Something happened to me today that really irked me, especially at this time of the year. We are at that time of year were good will towards all those around us should be exaggerated, highlighted and appreciated. This is the time of year were family and friends are appreciated and loved. This is a time of joy, happiness and love!

Cheesy, I know but I love this time of year! DON’T JUDGE ME! XD

So. At this school, the grade 8’s run a Candy-Cane-o-Grams. Meaning, they give out candy canes to raise money for the school. And we all know what happens here. There are a select few that receive a candy cane and all others feel left out and feel bad for themselves. The candy cane giver-outers were at the door and all the kids run to see to see if they got one. It was heart wrenching to see the disappointment of those who didn’t get one. As well, I overheard a conversation of two kids asking the other if they got one and hearing the let down of not getting one made my chest heavy and cold.

It just brings back memories of when I was in school. I rarely got one. Rarely. I was extremely tempted to buy one and send it to myself just to try to imitate the feeling one would get if someone got it for me.

I have always had issues of trying to feel included. Elementary school was ok cause… well… I dunno. Maybe cause I was with a select group of people for a long period of times.

But then again, Haven’t spoke to any of them in a LONG time. And I am REALLY ok with that.

High school was WORSE. I was the outsider. Literally. I lived outside where everyone else lived, even though I lived in town. It was hard trying to feel good about yourself when you are constantly reminded that you are in a constant campaign to be accepted by the “in-group.”

Things are better now, don’t get me wrong. Things get better in university, cause it’s a fresh start. I feel accepted with classes, rowing, clubs, and everything else in between. I don’t want to seem like “Wah, wah wa, My life sucks.”

No.

There were ups and downs and the downs really got to me, but the ups, as well, made me who I am. The whole reason why I am doing these blogs so that people who are going through a down can relate to this and see that they are not alone, that we can get through ups and downs together.

From one of my favorite songs comes my favorite lyric. From Kimya Dawson: “My rollercoaster has the biggest ups and downs, as long as it keeps going around its unbelievable.”

Thank you.

Any who. I just hope those kids realize that getting or not getting a candy cane doesn’t define how one is seen and accepted in a group. It is hard to perceive that now, but they will come to understand this. For me, It just sucks seeing kids go through something like this when you have gone through it yourself. You just know how they feel and, again, I wish no one ever has to feel that.

Knittin Corner

Its 5 am on a Sunday morning. I shouldn’t be up. If I were back at school, it would be more appropriate.

Not today it isn’t.

I spent the last hour and a half watching my new favorite show “Flashpoint” and knitting. Yes, I enjoy the police drama with guns, violence, and aggression while pleasantly knitting away. It calms me down and its soothing. To each their own, eh?

I am currently in a state of awakeful-ness where sleep seems to be in a far off land. The last time I could actually go to sleep comfortably was out in BC. It’s interesting about me is that beyond my house, I have the best sleeps. When I was working out at camp, out like a light. At conferences and trips, catching some zzz’s. Out on the other side of the country, sleeping like its my job. Even at school when exams and papers were bombarding me, I could have easily gone to sleep. Yet, when I am at home, it just doesn’t happen.

This frustrates me, majorly.

I have tried everything too! Letting my mind go, writing in my journal, watching and/or reading something dull, knitting, even listening to this de-stress audio that relaxes you. Nothing seems to work. And it’s really affecting me, like right now, I am getting so goddamn, frustrated over everything.

 

For some reason, It seems that sleep makes me more stressed out than anything. My mind won’t shut up about things and then I keep thinking about them and then I can’t sleep. It’s a vicious cycle and it fucking driving me up the walls. But what I can’t understand is why at home am I going through this than anywhere else?

If anyone has any suggestion, please let me know! I want this to stop ASAP!

“The Night Pat Murphy Died”

Awesome thing of the day? I GOT MY G2. Meaning, I can now drive on my own with no parental supervision.

Epic, I agree.

So. As I am currently typing this (at 12am), my clock on my computer tells me it’s December 16th, 2011. Today, I would have survived Katimavik. I would have sadly have made my good byes and would have been on my way home, feeling more accomplished then when I left. I would have come home to experiences that only one would have if they took the chance to really get to know Canada and all of her glory. I would have come home with a great deal more confidence and assurance of who I am and gain a more developed idea of where my path will lead me.

Now back to reality.

Yeah, I’m sad I’m not a Katia-victim. I was watching a video the other day of the group and what they were doing. They made a video of themselves and I knew it was shortly after I left cause… well… I’m not in it. But that’s ok. If any of them are reading this, I want them to know how proud of them I am and how honoured I am to have met you all. Thanks for the memories, Merci beacoup!

But, I have made huge accomplishments while back at home as well. I’m continuing on with my education. I got a couple of jobs and making some decent cash. I am really proud that I am more aware of my funds (not saying their perfect but at least I am more aware of my situation). I just got my G2. I’m currently cross training for rowing for 2012 season. I am more aware of things I want to get into (mental health, travelling, hands on work ect.) The one thing I want to work on is being happy with what I have accomplished, who I am and who I am becoming.

I want to finish this post with sharing my pal Murphy, probably my best-est best friend in the world. He’s a 7 month old golden retriever. We decided on his name a day before I left. Our original intentions were to name him Bill from “True Blood.” It was a good name and we thought that would stick.

Nope.

The day before I left for BC, I bought the live album for Great Big Sea (a must – they are THE best live band ever.) ¬†My mom and I were listening to the album in the song and one song came up: “The Night Pat Murphy Died.” My family comes from the east coast and we were second-guessing our decision with Bill for a dog’s name. Right then and there, Murphy was his name.

Thanks Great Big Sea ūüėÄ

I missed his really young puppy days when I was out in BC, but ever since I have been home, Murphy and I have been inseparable. We always go to the dog parks; any chance we get. I play fetch in and outside the house and I let him on the couch and he would just snuggle his head right up against my leg.

SQUEEEEEEEEE

It began apparent of our relationship when I came down the stairs one morning and he could have been begging attention from my mom, who was right beside him. Nope, there he was: wagging his tail and looking straight at me. I have never had a dog be that excited to see me. Not even my last dog, Riley, who only was excited to see you if you had a handful of treats.

Is that treats in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? (ahaha)

So Murphy, even though I was sad to have left BC and miss out on finishing Katimavik, you make being home worth it. 

 

 

Evelyn

The grass is always greener on the other side.

Always look in the bright side of life.

Life is awesome. And it is.

Here’s my issue. I am always the one trying to say “Everything is going to be ok. Life will get better” and in my heart, I know it is. It just hurts sometimes when your fighting with yourself to get yourself to believe it. It’s hard to fight a one man battle. Trying to motivate yourself to do your best when your only cheering squad is you. Trying to push yourself to do your best when your trying to do so much more than is expected. Its draining. Its exhausting. I’m trying to push and struggle and fight. Believe me, I am trying.

Ever since I got home, from BC, I have realized that I have never felt this alone before.

I hate putting myself down like this, or making myself seem weaker than I really am. I want to come across as a tough cookie; someone who you seem surprised that they have so much shit going in their life that you didn’t even notice. I want to be that kind of person, someone who doesn’t throw her shit onto others shoulders. I want the opposite. I want to help people and have others forget that I have issues, cause I don’t want to burden people with my issues. To me, their unimportant compared to the issues around me. I am unimportant when compared to others. I put others before me.

Yes, its unhealthy.

But, being at home, makes me appreciate those who care about me even more. I love my parents and my family, please don’t get the impression that I don’t. They have helped me through so much in this past year and they have never done anything to hinder me in any way. They always look out for my best interests and would even sacrifice so much just to make sure I am ok. Sometimes I forget this fact but I know deep down that I always know. I always do.

Gosh, this post feels so unfocused. It almost feels like Occupy Toronto.

What I was originally trying to say is that… even with the love from my family, I am feeling more alone than I have ever before. I miss my university. The life, the social atmosphere, the schedule…

To be honest, I miss the assignments. Yes. I know that’s like “what the fuck is she on” but I have come to realize that I learn by applying, and when you have been in a class where you do nothing but listen to a prof talk about sociology and do nothing to apply the information that is passed to you, you being to appreciate assignments and what they are trying to do.

But most of all, I miss the support. Your family will give it to you unconditionally. Anywhere else you have to earn it. And I felt like I have earned the support of superheros back at school. They mean the world to me and being away from such amazing people is heart wrenching. The effect a group of people have on an individual is astounding. Who you associate yourself with is understated these days. If you hang around those who will support you in whatever you do, “kid, you’ll move mountains” – (Dr. Seuss)

Right now, I can barely move a pile of my own laundry.

So this is to all of those who think that there is darkness in the tunnel of doom and unhappiness. Yeah. There’s gonna be. Right now, I guess you can say I’m stumbling in the dark. I am going to admitt that there is a lot of things in my life that I still have to deal with, especially with how I percieve things and my ability to get things in a positive perspective.

Things will get better. With time. With the right group of people around you, whether it be family, friends, partners or even a social worker, just know that tunnel will get brighter cause someone will come down with a light to help you out (or, in my imagination, a bunch of glow sticks)

Its Been A While 2.0

You know its been a while when you forget the password and username for your profile…

Last time I posted in, I was literally in the middle of the province of British Colombia. Since then, there has been some complications, mainly with my teeth. Last week of August I got extremely sick but had no idea how it happened. I got really intense fevers and chills. My gut was in so much pain and I barely ate anything. That same week, I found an abscess on my gums, but I thought nothing of it. My teeth, though, were extremely sensitive and so I went to the dentist to check it out.

First appointment: “Katie, Nothing to worry about, you’re all good. Come in a week later for an update”

Second appointment: “You have to go home.”

Fuck.

So there I was, all by myself all the way on the other side of the country and I was feeling the worst I have ever felt. My dreams of being on my own and independent for the first time in my life came to a short end. I only spent less than 2 months in BC – but they were the best days I have had in a long time.

I loved BC. I am going out there again – it’s a matter of when. The air was clean and fresh – no humidity. It was 20 degrees most of the time. The people were extremely friendly, the landscape was breath-taking and I felt at home there, almost at peace. As well, working at the Barn in Vanderhoof was the best job I have ever had – and I didn’t even get paid. The satisfaction of working outside and using my talent of abnormal physical strength for a woman really came into play there and I really, REALLY, felt good about myself. I kept thinking to myself “I can see myself doing this in my life.” I just hope I can find the opportunity to do so.

So I took a plane home, thinking it will be a couple of weeks and I’ll be back out at it. Nope. Last week of September came around and made the hard decision of staying home. Things weren’t working out as planned with the dentist and plus, I think in my heart that I knew my time with Katimavik was done. What else was there for me to learn? I have already had a year to myself at Trent, so I have that experience living on my own. I also have a vast amount of job experience and I am confident that I will succeed in any field I choose.

I enrolled at the local university, got myself a couple of jobs and I am learning how to drive. I am still taking that year off but at least I’m still going with my education. PLUS learning to drive is a HUGE deal to me, so if I can get that under control then I would feel successful.

Extremely successful.

But… since I have been home, I feel as though a weight has been dropped right onto my shoulders and its staying put. I have this… guilt? No… shame? Nope. Regret? Well… a combination of all three ¬†of a feeling that I should know what I want to do with my life. For some unexplained reason, I feel that at the age of 19, I should know what I want to do with my life. Like, I should have it under control and that life is to go one smoothly.

Ok, I know that life doesn’t always go as smoothly as we would like it to, but I was hoping for some sort of assurance of what I wanted to do with my life. I am frightened that I am not developing the right skills for what I want to do, and when that light bulb goes over my head with the idea of what I actually want to do, it will be too late.

To be fair to myself, this is the first time in my life that I have actually slowed down – meaning that I am not as busy as I was used to. High School: I was all over the place with sports, theatre, jobs and mock trials. University: I had Trent Rowing, training, lectures and projects left, right and center. This summer I was working as a camp counsellor and then off to BC, hoping to be kept busy until end of December and then keep myself busy until next september at home earning money. That was the plan.

Dammit.

I think the issue here is that I think too much. It isn’t obvious… isn’t it? XD I get myself down too much. I am my own worst enemy… I am my own bully. I pick on myself. I harass and beat down myself on the inside and it hurts. Oh boy, does it ever. I never, never want anyone to feel like this, yet, I know there are who do.

I know I don’t have it as bad as others, but I can understand. The feeling in your chest. It’s a cold and tightening feeling as though someone poured a cold glass water from the Antarctic into your lungs. Your shoulders tense up, frozen. Your feet are as heavy as blocks of ice, causing the nerves and muscles in your legs to go numb. Your thoughts take over. You hear your own mind betray you. Not only can you hear them, but you can physically feel your thoughts beating away at your body like a punching bag. The little voice in your head, the one trying to help you out, is only muffled and gagged from the bully.

Pain in the ass, isn’t it.

If I have any goal in my life, any thing to motivate me, it is to make sure that no one ever feels like this. I am seeing someone and they are fantastic. That little voice is growing stronger every day and its taking on that bully. It still needs some work but it will get there. I have no idea where to start but I am sure that I will find my way.