Evelyn

The grass is always greener on the other side.

Always look in the bright side of life.

Life is awesome. And it is.

Here’s my issue. I am always the one trying to say “Everything is going to be ok. Life will get better” and in my heart, I know it is. It just hurts sometimes when your fighting with yourself to get yourself to believe it. It’s hard to fight a one man battle. Trying to motivate yourself to do your best when your only cheering squad is you. Trying to push yourself to do your best when your trying to do so much more than is expected. Its draining. Its exhausting. I’m trying to push and struggle and fight. Believe me, I am trying.

Ever since I got home, from BC, I have realized that I have never felt this alone before.

I hate putting myself down like this, or making myself seem weaker than I really am. I want to come across as a tough cookie; someone who you seem surprised that they have so much shit going in their life that you didn’t even notice. I want to be that kind of person, someone who doesn’t throw her shit onto others shoulders. I want the opposite. I want to help people and have others forget that I have issues, cause I don’t want to burden people with my issues. To me, their unimportant compared to the issues around me. I am unimportant when compared to others. I put others before me.

Yes, its unhealthy.

But, being at home, makes me appreciate those who care about me even more. I love my parents and my family, please don’t get the impression that I don’t. They have helped me through so much in this past year and they have never done anything to hinder me in any way. They always look out for my best interests and would even sacrifice so much just to make sure I am ok. Sometimes I forget this fact but I know deep down that I always know. I always do.

Gosh, this post feels so unfocused. It almost feels like Occupy Toronto.

What I was originally trying to say is that… even with the love from my family, I am feeling more alone than I have ever before. I miss my university. The life, the social atmosphere, the schedule…

To be honest, I miss the assignments. Yes. I know that’s like “what the fuck is she on” but I have come to realize that I learn by applying, and when you have been in a class where you do nothing but listen to a prof talk about sociology and do nothing to apply the information that is passed to you, you being to appreciate assignments and what they are trying to do.

But most of all, I miss the support. Your family will give it to you unconditionally. Anywhere else you have to earn it. And I felt like I have earned the support of superheros back at school. They mean the world to me and being away from such amazing people is heart wrenching. The effect a group of people have on an individual is astounding. Who you associate yourself with is understated these days. If you hang around those who will support you in whatever you do, “kid, you’ll move mountains” – (Dr. Seuss)

Right now, I can barely move a pile of my own laundry.

So this is to all of those who think that there is darkness in the tunnel of doom and unhappiness. Yeah. There’s gonna be. Right now, I guess you can say I’m stumbling in the dark. I am going to admitt that there is a lot of things in my life that I still have to deal with, especially with how I percieve things and my ability to get things in a positive perspective.

Things will get better. With time. With the right group of people around you, whether it be family, friends, partners or even a social worker, just know that tunnel will get brighter cause someone will come down with a light to help you out (or, in my imagination, a bunch of glow sticks)

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