Its Been A While 2.0

You know its been a while when you forget the password and username for your profile…

Last time I posted in, I was literally in the middle of the province of British Colombia. Since then, there has been some complications, mainly with my teeth. Last week of August I got extremely sick but had no idea how it happened. I got really intense fevers and chills. My gut was in so much pain and I barely ate anything. That same week, I found an abscess on my gums, but I thought nothing of it. My teeth, though, were extremely sensitive and so I went to the dentist to check it out.

First appointment: “Katie, Nothing to worry about, you’re all good. Come in a week later for an update”

Second appointment: “You have to go home.”

Fuck.

So there I was, all by myself all the way on the other side of the country and I was feeling the worst I have ever felt. My dreams of being on my own and independent for the first time in my life came to a short end. I only spent less than 2 months in BC – but they were the best days I have had in a long time.

I loved BC. I am going out there again – it’s a matter of when. The air was clean and fresh – no humidity. It was 20 degrees most of the time. The people were extremely friendly, the landscape was breath-taking and I felt at home there, almost at peace. As well, working at the Barn in Vanderhoof was the best job I have ever had – and I didn’t even get paid. The satisfaction of working outside and using my talent of abnormal physical strength for a woman really came into play there and I really, REALLY, felt good about myself. I kept thinking to myself “I can see myself doing this in my life.” I just hope I can find the opportunity to do so.

So I took a plane home, thinking it will be a couple of weeks and I’ll be back out at it. Nope. Last week of September came around and made the hard decision of staying home. Things weren’t working out as planned with the dentist and plus, I think in my heart that I knew my time with Katimavik was done. What else was there for me to learn? I have already had a year to myself at Trent, so I have that experience living on my own. I also have a vast amount of job experience and I am confident that I will succeed in any field I choose.

I enrolled at the local university, got myself a couple of jobs and I am learning how to drive. I am still taking that year off but at least I’m still going with my education. PLUS learning to drive is a HUGE deal to me, so if I can get that under control then I would feel successful.

Extremely successful.

But… since I have been home, I feel as though a weight has been dropped right onto my shoulders and its staying put. I have this… guilt? No… shame? Nope. Regret? Well… a combination of all three  of a feeling that I should know what I want to do with my life. For some unexplained reason, I feel that at the age of 19, I should know what I want to do with my life. Like, I should have it under control and that life is to go one smoothly.

Ok, I know that life doesn’t always go as smoothly as we would like it to, but I was hoping for some sort of assurance of what I wanted to do with my life. I am frightened that I am not developing the right skills for what I want to do, and when that light bulb goes over my head with the idea of what I actually want to do, it will be too late.

To be fair to myself, this is the first time in my life that I have actually slowed down – meaning that I am not as busy as I was used to. High School: I was all over the place with sports, theatre, jobs and mock trials. University: I had Trent Rowing, training, lectures and projects left, right and center. This summer I was working as a camp counsellor and then off to BC, hoping to be kept busy until end of December and then keep myself busy until next september at home earning money. That was the plan.

Dammit.

I think the issue here is that I think too much. It isn’t obvious… isn’t it? XD I get myself down too much. I am my own worst enemy… I am my own bully. I pick on myself. I harass and beat down myself on the inside and it hurts. Oh boy, does it ever. I never, never want anyone to feel like this, yet, I know there are who do.

I know I don’t have it as bad as others, but I can understand. The feeling in your chest. It’s a cold and tightening feeling as though someone poured a cold glass water from the Antarctic into your lungs. Your shoulders tense up, frozen. Your feet are as heavy as blocks of ice, causing the nerves and muscles in your legs to go numb. Your thoughts take over. You hear your own mind betray you. Not only can you hear them, but you can physically feel your thoughts beating away at your body like a punching bag. The little voice in your head, the one trying to help you out, is only muffled and gagged from the bully.

Pain in the ass, isn’t it.

If I have any goal in my life, any thing to motivate me, it is to make sure that no one ever feels like this. I am seeing someone and they are fantastic. That little voice is growing stronger every day and its taking on that bully. It still needs some work but it will get there. I have no idea where to start but I am sure that I will find my way.

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