Psychosis

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Love is a dammed psychosis – Maniac from “Flying”

He’s right. He’s so totally right. Love, attraction, lust and all of these things we do is mentally insane.

I get myself so immersed in my thoughts. I raise my expectations so high that I come crashing down so hard when it doesn’t work.

It makes “what goes up, must come down” quote seem like nothing.

So what do I do? If I do nothing then opportunities pass me by. But if I act too much I only get myself hurt. And it’s not like there are line ups of men at my door asking for my hand in marriage. My issue is that everyone around me makes it look so easy and yet it hasn’t happened to me. I feel like I’m missing an important part of the equation. I get so hard on myself for being this alone. I have actually come to the conclusion that I will feel the most satisfied is when I find that “special someone.”

But I also know that a person’s value is not determined by the association of another. I am very much confident in who I am and what I am capable of doing. And if someone wants to join my party of one then be my guest – the more the merrier.

Well… Let me be honest here. I am more confident in who I am NOW then maybe 5 years ago. I still have doubts but I’m much better than even a year ago. That idea of “you have to love yourself before you can love anyone else” comes to mind with this. To be honest I’m afraid to love myself. I don’t want to validate ideas of myself in a negative way so that I can avoid pain. I feel that if I had someone in my life, then who I am as a person can officially be accepted by not only myself but everyone else.

I… Just want someone to SEE me. Not as a daughter or as a best friend. As their other half.

I’m sorry if this comes across as a complainer. I often try avoid this kind of thing so I don’t burden people with sappy lonely stories. But it’s the truth.

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Let me end with this. The one thing I have noticed about myself is that I’m starting to like myself more and more in photos. I used to not like this particular photo but the more I look at it, the more I’m liking the girl in it. Sure she’s missing a tooth but she’s ok with that (actually, she whistles better than ever before). She’s sitting in a box of pillows and loving life. She’s pretty, funny, creative, intelligent with a pinch of smart ass and sarcasm. She loves photography, rugby, graphic comics, film, music, knitting, her family and dog. She wants to go to New Zealand. She’s on the everlasting pursuit of happiness.

And let’s not forget her IronMan sweater. It’s kinda a big deal.

But honestly, She’s gonna be ok. She knows deep down she will be.

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