I would think this time away from blogging would prove that my life on track and that I have figured things out.
To be quite honest, I feel more confused than assured that I am doing anything right these days. Sure, I am in university, but being here hasn’t allowed me to get that “eureka” moment that most get being here…. like that moment when the emotional brides on TLC put on that Yes Dress and just break down and cry for tears of joy, that the universe has blessed them with a dress that was meant for them….
Being that I am in my second year, coming straight out of a year off, one would also assume that I would have my act together: that I know what I want to do.
CAROL, GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER… CAROL!!!!… Oh Bridesmaids.
But no. I have no “shit” together and quite honestly… I don’t wanna be like “Oh I’ll never figure it out” which I know I will and yes, I may come across as a whiner or some rambling lunatic. To me, I feel like a failure for not being motivated for doing jack shit. My jesus, everyone around me at least knows what they want to learn and where they somewhat want to be in 5ish years.
For me, the thing that was driving me was to become a stage manager. For some odd reason I get super anxious and even agitated even considering my life. I get scared when I think about that as my career. I don’t know why. Like today, I have my first play rehearsal for my schools production and for someone who is wants to get into this business, one would assume that I would be super excited and pumped to get this on the road. Instead I am filled with anxiety and stress… as though a 10 tonne weight landed in my gut.
Or that could have been the greasy pizza from the cafe.
And bless my parents for allowing me to go to college in september to go into theater production. They have really been there for me this past year and really supported me. Even when I have been crying my ass off on the phone they have encouraged me to finish my education and my goodness gracious do I want to. That’s why I don’t want to let my parents down… and yet that’s what I feel like I’m doing. I can’t get my act together of what I want to do in my life and I feel like I’m wasting their time and money that they should be using on things like traveling which I know they love doing.
I feel worthless.
I have just been so fixated on the end result that I know I am ignoring the journey that it takes to get there. I know that this is really harmful. These past few months have been the lowest months for me… I have never felt this depressed before. I am just so much pressure on myself that I am doing more harm than good. But what else am I supposed to do? I…. I don’t know. I seriously wish someone would just hand me an envelope with what I am supposed to do in my life inside it.
I don’t why it has to be in an envelope. Makes it more regal I guess…
But seriously, I just wanna to do everything, and yet I wanna be a hermit – just to get away from it all and just live in a cave with a dog or two…
And everyone around me seems to be ok… why can’t I feel that way? Why can’t I just let things go and just go with it?
And I swear, everyone I meet says “Oh you’re young, you’ll be fine.” No. I feel like I have a ticking time bomb strapped to my chest and it will explode at a certain age if I don’t find meaning in my life. I give myself…. oh…. If the Mayans were wrong… till next september.
Going back to the Stage Manager position. I just feel like if I commit to that, then its all over for me. I feel like I was meant for something else… and so I begin to drift to social sciences and when I begin to think about that I get a little excited EXCEPT WHEN THE WHOLE DEALING WITH STATS COMES UP.
Seriously. I should just use the rest of my osap money and buy a nice tent and just sit inside it.
I’m scared that I don’t have it together. I’m scared that I will never have it together. I’m scared that I will never be successful at whatever I do. I’m terrified that I am letting my family down. And I feel like I already am with all of this indecisiveness. I have told them so many things I wanna do and yet I sense worry from them…
I never want people to be concerned for me. I hate it when people worry for me. I appreciate it but I just don’t want the hassle. Also… it makes me feel really incapable of taking care of myself.
Look where that’s gotten me.
The reality of it is I still am unsure of where I want to go in my life. I am simply terrified. And to be more honest I am really unsure of how I am going to deal with it. I’m the type of person who will do anything to solve a problem. I kinda wish I was in one of those teen movies where a spiritual guru appears out of nowhere and teaches the young pupil the ways of life.
That’s it. I need a Yoda. Or an Uncle Iroh. I prefer Iroh personally, he would make good tea… and he knows how to fire bend. If only I was the Avatar….