Set Fire to the Rain – Adele

This blog is dedicated to the song in the title as it came up on shuffle. As well it is a pretty damn good song.

Now its Ghostbusters by Ray Parker Jr. It is awesome.

It is 3:33 am in the morning and like in my knittin corner post, alas I cannot sleep. Maybe it had to do with what happened today. I am not going to get into much detail but let’s just say I got metaphorically kicked in the face.

And from previous experiences, it hurts A LOT.

It is such a difficult thing to talk about. To be honest, I feel jumbled. All over the place. Unbalanced. No true sense of direction. For some reason, these feelings are particularly strong at this time of the year.

I read that somewhere…

I guess what I said last post. This time of the year is a time of reflection. Yes, I thought 2011 for me was brilliant. I had some tough obstacles to over come, but I am here. Breathing. Alive.

But silly old me has to over think everything.

It started right when I got back from my Dominican Trip. I said to myself “What am I going to do with myself?” Sure, I am in school for something. For the time being, I would like to say the social sciences, but stick around for changes. The current trend is to specialize in sociology and/or psychology and hope to get myself more acquainted with mental health.

This is basically why I am doing these blogs. Mental health has really affected not only my family but those around me, those who I really care about. And me. Sure, I know there are those who are suffering much more than myself, but I suffer none the less.

For example; today. Better yet, this week. I have been beating myself up, thinking that I am basically a pile of shit. That I am not good enough. That I don’t have the capabilities to do anything amazing with my life. I really wish I was exaggerating with my thoughts, but this is the truth. This feeling of… disappointment.

And please don’t get the wrong idea with my last post. I am extremely proud of those accomplishments and when I think about them, it is like a ray of sunshine on a cloudy day. But, like a day like that, the clouds come rolling back.

I am really trying to make the best of my situation. I am trying to save up for my return back to Trent. I am trying to develop skills I didn’t have before. I am trying to do more for myself, something I haven’t done before. But… I still feel like I am not doing enough.

I always raise the bar high for myself. I feel like I have to be extremely successful, perfect to be accepted by those around me. Failure never seems to be the option.

This is doing more harm than help.

Maybe this is why my crusade for mental health seems to be like a ray of sunshine. I do not want anyone else to feel like this. Like shit. Like that bar is raised too high. Like you cannot do anything and feel out-of-place.

Maybe this blog needs to change its direction. Rather than me ramble on about my life (interesting as it may be… nah, there’s more intriguing things to discuss) Maybe this blog can bring to life issues that have yet to be heard. Not necessarily research of my own, but I’ll do a bit of looking around and maybe talk about major issues that are coming up not only in Canada but in the world.  Cause who wants to discuss about mental health? Not many. Maybe this blog needs to reach out. Try and present issues about mental health. I wanna learn as much as I can and I want others around me to do the same. Cause I believe this is an issue that is under-rated. Not much is being done to talk about it, so I’ll be the awkward penguin, elephant in the room, that annoying pebble in the shoe or even that blister on your heel.

I’m pretty impressed with myself for that last bit.

See. When look at thing I write about with things like this, it makes sense. THIS is my ray of sunshine. There is gonna be more clouds, but there will be a sunny day forecasted. May take a freakin long ass time but it’s gonna be worth it.

So, to end, another post of Murphy. This little cutie pie had a rough day today… Not going into detail but he’s not impressed.

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